Saturday, 14 January 2012

Blue

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I've been "home" in London for two weeks now. And this time, it doesn't feel like home. Not right now at least.


I don't know if I've got a case of post holiday blues (common), the lonelies, SAD (it's damn dark when I get my afternoon coffee) or just straight out home sickness but it's sucky.

Maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I've heard of SAD and read about SAD and all that but previously the dark winter days haven't bothered me much. I'm not a fan of them but I don't go into a slump over them either. I'm trying to think why that might be different this year. Maybe because the dark afternoons are gradual. They creep up on you, just taking a teensy bit of a jump come the end of daylight savings each year. And my winter holidays have previously been to winter places. So I've eased in and out of winter.  Compare that to spending a few weeks in Australia (or anywhere in the southern hemisphere) and returning home in the week of the solstice. Going from the most daylight possible to the least. The contrast is huge. And upsetting. So maybe it's SAD.

Maybe it's the post holiday blues. I haven't shared all the details with you of my trip yet but it was fantastic. Even get didn't suck (well, it totally did but it meant down time at the farm getting looked after by my folks so it was pretty indulgent). My friends wedding was lovely. An emotional day but so full of love. And fun. We had the giggles during the ceremony (yeah, I laugh at inappropriate times). And time with family. Cuddles and games and bubbles and hugs galore with my niece and nephew, who I love more than I knew I could. And the sunshine. Parasailing, swimming and sand tobogganing on an island off the coast of Queensland? Yes please. And the friends? Yep, don't need to say much more. It was a fabulous holiday. So maybe it's the post holiday blues.

Maybe it's the lonelies. My best friends are in Melbourne (and Sydney). They have been the whole time I've been here and that's been ok. I haven't got "a person" here, my go to. But I have always had a great group of friends, such that I haven't needed one. But now? Some people have moved home at the same time a few others have found love. And I find myself a little lonelier than I've ever been here. And maybe, I need to put myself out there more, more chance of meeting people, especially a person. But I don't know that I'm invested in that idea. Before I left Melbourne, for a good 12-18months when I knew that's what I was going to do, I held back a lot. Especially in affairs of the heart. And I think I'm beginning to do that here. So maybe I'm lonely?

Maybe it's homesickness. Melbourne is great. I loved knowing where things were. I loved heading to a coffee shop or a favourite pub, and it being unchanged. I tweeted about how I wasn't ready to live there yet whilst I was there, but now that I'm back here (in the cold and dark), I've been thinking about why. I think a lot of the reasons are tied up in travel I want to do and experiences I want to have. I don't think the reasons are tied up in wanting to work a 9-7 office job in London. Sure, financially, it's rewarding and secure (well, as secure as short term contracting work is in the financial industry right now).  So maybe it's homesickness?

And maybe it's just the straight out blues, because we all have times like that, don't we? How do you deal with the cold and the dark? Or the blues? Or how do you meet new people, as an adult?

I'm off to listen to The Waifs now and seek comfort in soup (feel free to suggest a more upbeat song…)

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